I’m not going to lie, on balance this pandemic has been good for me personally. Don’t get me wrong, so much bad stuff has happened and going in and out of lockdowns is just plain taxing. But, on the other hand I spent the last 5 years working myself into the ground, going through cycles of burnout and never having the time to recover. Then someone in the northern hemisphere eats a dodgy bat and suddenly the Liberal party bestows the biggest social welfare pack in Australian history and I basically get to go onto long service leave. This is truly a crazy year.
Something happened to me that is so difficult to explain, but my mental health improved drastically during the last 6 months. This isn’t the only factor but there’s something comforting about knowing that your struggles are shared by almost everyone in the world. Depression is so cruel in that it makes you feel so guilty for being sad when you live a life so seemingly good. It’s difficult to understand when you’re going through it because it’s so invisible, but so many people share the struggles that you do; I promise that. But this time there’s a really clear tangible excuse, and somehow that takes the pressure off the whole suffering thing.
I’ve done a lot of reflecting over the last few months. I’m living in Melbourne and we’re at the tail end of our second wave as I’m writing this. That means it’s been over two months of strict Stage 4 restrictions and for most of the time I’ve lived alone. I have had a lot of reflection time… and among other things I have thought about what I miss the most, what I can’t wait to return to.
I miss leaving the house without a purpose, without a reason. I miss wandering and I miss being in the city. I’m hardly the person that smiles at strangers as some sort of obnoxious habit but these days I find myself doing that now. I make eye contact and smile under my mask. Some people are so good at smiling with their eyes, I miss not having to guess.
I never had the time to go to parties, not for a long time. Between studying and working a job where I captured other peoples’ events, I never had the time to go to my own. I used to throw these big house parties, like I’d compress months of social events into one big gesture. I miss house parties, being around people you don’t know, not having to do the mental gymnastics of selecting the handful of people, with a purpose.
I miss my co-working space. I’m really good at being alone now, but I don’t prefer it. I thrive in groups and I miss being in the environment of work, you can feel productivity happening around you.
I’m grateful for what I’ve learned about myself, and most of all, I’m grateful to understand what was truly important that I took for granted. On the other side of this we will all get a chance to start over.
I can’t fcking wait.